San Francisco & The Lessons I’ve Learned
On August third, two years ago, I moved to San Francisco and felt excessive worry and excitement on what was to come. San Francisco kept pulling me until I finally arrived. The city was my escape, my place to visit on vacations until it became the place for me to return to after my new vacations. San Francisco is more than I have ever thought was possible in my lifetime and it has given me the ability to believe other worldly destinations are not out of reach. San Francisco is the home to one of my dearest childhood movies growing up: The Princess Diaries. A movie I watched endlessly as I have grown and one I still feel excitement to watch.
Year One was about having fun in a big city and figuring out my priorities. Year Two has been about knowing my goals and finding my way to meet them. I have reflected on who I am and what I want in a much different approach this year compared to last. Theoretical versus Practical steps on how to get from where I am now to where I would like to be. I try to be less spontaneous with my decisions and make more of an effort before I spend money recklessly.
Year Two, I slowed my pace while last year I ran around the city doing as much as I could: exploring the city, the bay, hiking, running, camping, parties, waking up in the unfamiliar, seeing the sunrise and the sunset, and becoming friends with anyone. As a new professional, my work became a large part of my life and I have had to learn to not make my work my identity.
I worked incredibly hard and I believe that partially caused the severe burnout out I experienced from October to April. I felt extreme exhaustion physically, mentally, and emotionally. I stopped exploring and making the most of my weekends to allow my body to rest and prepare for the next week. I felt robbed of my personal time away from work and I felt bitter. I stopped doing everything I enjoyed for the sake of rest. With high pressures at work, I knew I needed to be able to find work and life boundaries; I turned to therapy to gain healthy habits of managing work and life balance. I want to make the most of my life and I have immense FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out which made me feel angry I could possibly be missing out on life because of the exhaustion my job created. I have always struggled with feeling content in life even when my life is going well; I start to feel antsy when I am in one place for too long. Whether that be lazing in bed or in a specific city.
I have very high expectations of myself and often, I don’t allow myself to relax; when I am trying to relax, I can feel my brain remind me of tasks to complete: lists that need checkmarks, chores, and countless what-if types of worries. I know this is a trauma response to growing up in an environment that did not feel safe when I was a little girl. This is my fight or flight signal that is always keeping my body on high alert, ready for anything at a moment’s notice. San Francisco has not always been the best at teaching me how to have control of my alarms being pressed.
October coincided with meeting the man that is now my boyfriend. When we first started dating, my job was becoming busier with late to very late airport arrivals to meet clients for their arrival and the boundless pressure of finding housing as quickly as possible, affecting a toll on my personal life. I wasn’t sleeping through the night; I had nightmares about not finding housing for the clients and I worried about them on my weekends. I felt tension in my body, in my head, and in my relationships. Being able to find a work-life balance has brought me out of my anxious state and focused more on other aspects of my life. Work is not supposed to consume anybody’s life. I care about my work and I like to work hard but not at the expense of having a life outside of work.
On one occasion, at the beginning of my relationship, my partner and I had dinner plans; throughout the entire dinner, I knew I was tense about my day at work. On the drive home, my partner could pick up on my energy and asked me to breathe. Begrudgingly, I took a deep breath and found myself on the verge of tears. I remember thinking: I am going to mess this up! He probably thinks I am overreacting about my job! But those were my anxious voices speaking for me when he was doing his best to help reduce how I was feeling.
I absolutely love San Francisco and what it has brought me. I hope I have been able to make an impact on the community I live in and the surrounding communities within my career in the Bay Area. Going on my long walks throughout the city has given me the ability to have a deeper appreciation for San Francisco. Walking through the neighborhoods has given me a more intimate look into the city. I have never had the sensation of feeling so small and big at the same time; it is why I love this city. Being able to be known and unknown simultaneously. San Francisco is a densely packed city with small corridors. It is impossible not to see someone anywhere I go, no matter where I am or what time it is. I enjoy not feeling alone even when I am looking for a minute to myself.
On the bad days, the drawbacks feel about equal to or even heavier than my love for the city. High prices for absolutely everything and the year-round cold weather periodically bothers me more than I wish it did. When newcomers or tourists complain about the lack of sun in the summer, I advise them to come in October when it is actually the warmest. I feel fortuitous to have the ability to share with others my insights because I have been able to live here long enough to know these insider facts. I feel special to share this information — like I belong.
I don’t feel like a native but I do feel much closer to knowing the city like the back of my hand. I don’t use maps anymore to go to the grocery store or the doctors. I can share directions and give advice on where to go that isn’t as popular of a tourist destination. I almost feel like I am an insider that knows what to share but I still have so much to learn about this city and I don’t think I have enough time to do all of it. There is so much more of the world I feel the determined desire to lay my eyes on and I worry I have already spent too much time in San Francisco.
Every day living in San Francisco, I have taken it day by day and have soaked up as many experiences I could take advantage of. I feel an assortment of emotions by living in the city: gratitude, surprise, happiness, and pride that I have been able to succeed for this long. In the beginning, I didn’t know how long I would be able to financially make it here, and still has been my biggest hurdle. I have been given many second chances and lucky breaks. With my financial savings scarce, it has made each experience here worth the while because I do not have the unlimited funds to do each activity I would like.
This city can be cruel with sharp claws and unbeknownst to those new to the city, have sharp teeth waiting to attack. People living here know how to be smart or there is a large possibility someone could take advantage of you. I have met some of the kindest and most loving people as well. People may say that is the case with anywhere someone may live but the rawness and intensity of people’s emotions are unlike anywhere I have ever been. People only understand if they have lived here. They’ll tell you how it is here without giving a fuck. Frankly, I love it and feel among a community of people who encourage me to speak my mind without having to worry as much about how I say what I am saying; I can freely talk. I haven’t felt this creative in such a long time; I am writing again. I collage more. I even draw a little. Moving from a small town in Oregon to a compact big city felt like a culture shock. I have had to become accustomed to how people live in a big city. Even now, two years in, I can be intimidated, and then I remember who I am. I am not someone who will be intimidated. The city has learned that I will bite back and leave marks too.
People are nicer in Oregon but I find the brutal honesty refreshing in San Francisco. I genuinely appreciate people saying it how it is and typically don’t see a reason to lie. I feel at home here while feeling swallowed in an almost comforting way. I like the guts and risks people take, I am motivated to pursue my dreams by being in this atmosphere. I don’t know if San Francisco is my home or if anywhere really has been my home. I feel as though I am a nomad. Having the freedom to drift from one city to another and feel fairly secure in my relationships even when I am not in the same city they may live in is a skill I cherish deeply.
Living with my best friend of four years and now going on the second year of living together has truly been one of the most secure feelings I have ever experienced in my life. I feel safe. We have made a home together. She knows all of my habits and quirks and knows instantly when something is off or if I am bursting with excitement. She knows all of my flaws. I am very thankful for her choosing to live with me. I love our home. It is a real home that I have made and is safe. Being able to find pleasure in where I reside has been a very important goal for me, especially as I have continued to grow up.
San Francisco has taught me some extremely hard lessons such as figuring out what to do when someone stole my car on New Year’s Eve the first year I lived here, figuring out expenses and that is a lesson I am still learning, meeting beautiful men that are as dangerous as the looks they come with, and endless parking tickets. San Francisco has taught me I am worthy of self-love and to be loved by my partner and friendships. San Francisco has given me the confidence and independence I thought I already had. San Francisco has turned me into a professional.
I am a different person living here now; sometimes I am not sure if I recognize myself. Out on the other side now, the growing pains were all worth it — even the ones I look back on darkly. All I have experienced living here has made me a better person: I have learned. I have healed. I have grown. I have loved and I have lost. I am loving deeply and fully. I am so flawed. I am working on my imperfections. Learning is beautiful. San Francisco is special. San Francisco is full of disruptors and people who want to make a difference.
This city has made me stand on my own and even when my legs have been shaking and I am wobbling so hard that I think I may fall at any second, I haven’t. This accomplishment does not come without all of those who have given me grace and helped me in my many times of need.
